I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
