I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
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