today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
