my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
