I checked into jail on foursquare
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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