My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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