I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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