I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
