I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
