my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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