I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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