Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
