I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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