the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
