things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
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I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
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OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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