I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Randomize
