very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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