I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
