i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
