My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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