I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
