absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
