"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
