My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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