There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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