im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
