and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
