K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize