respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Randomize
