my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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