My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
