Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
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