my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
