Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
