ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
