I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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