You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
