He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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