We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize