Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
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you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
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the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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