Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
