I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
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I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
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Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.