$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom