i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.