Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
