I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I can feel your judgement through the phone
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
