If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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