I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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