My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Randomize
