she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
