my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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