I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
