there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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