i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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