I like to think it a success when the cops are called
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
