well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
